There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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