I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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