I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i love accidental penises.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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