i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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