Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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