he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
