dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
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It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
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Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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