I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
