This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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