I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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