There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
