Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
