Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
