I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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