Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
