my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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