4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
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