i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
