I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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