i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
