Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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