Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Who died my cat blue again?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
