Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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