What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
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those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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