just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
