Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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