I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
