All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
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Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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