Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
