I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The adults are the big ones right?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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