Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
