If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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