My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
