well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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