my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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