it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
