??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You are the jesus of drinking
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
