Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
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