That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
