I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
3pm strippers are depressing
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize