im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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