Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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