FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
