I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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