you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
