The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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