My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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