Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
