I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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