Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
