I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
