after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
