Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
