you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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