I'm laying in your front yard are you home
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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